You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
