i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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