Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I am naked and annoyed.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha