my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
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Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
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I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive