at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
