before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
