My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
