Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
