I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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