____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
