Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
