I like to think it a success when the cops are called
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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