We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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