My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think I sprained my soul last night
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
