Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
When are your genitals available?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
