In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
