Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Randomize
