You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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