im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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