I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I need to calm my uterus...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Randomize
