i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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