i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
