i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
