Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
