I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
