apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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