blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
