the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
