Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She's the barista slut.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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