erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
