So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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