READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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