eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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