I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
