I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
