I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
