What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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