i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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