I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
