Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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