one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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