This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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