YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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