i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
