I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
