I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
