I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
