We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
