***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
