I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Who died my cat blue again?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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