note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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