dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
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