Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
