also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Randomize