I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
