he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
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