I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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