NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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