Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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