Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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