swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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