I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer